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Location: Hamilton Square, New Jersey, United States

Tax guy, host & producer of the Consumerism Commentary Podcast, former co-host of the Wall Street Journal E-Report

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Can't anyone just ride a bike without stupid clothing anymore?


Is it just me, or has it become a requirement for every adult biker...sorry...CYCLIST...to wear ridiculous clothing while riding their bikes? Everytime I see a "cyclist", they're wearing an aerodynamic helmet and an obnoxiously over-sponsored spandex outfit.

What slapass came up with this idea? Have we become so smug and elitist of a society that riding a bike requires a tight shirt with a sponsor list that would put any NASCAR vehicle to shame? Can't anyone just go out and ride a bike anymore?

Maybe I missed the memo and every adult has been drafted by a cycling team. Or at least the good ones. Going outside on a bike without standardized attire means public ridicule if caught. Imagine the humiliation of being isolated in a desolated parking lot and circled by five punks in neon green jerseys with "ROYCE UNION", "NIKE" and "MOTOROLA" insignias on them. I don't know if I can deal with that.

I need my own customized outfit. If anyone can make one for me, here's the requirements:

  • Size 3X spandex. Cameltoe-like shorts a necessity with silver & black Zubaz stripes to reflect my Raiders fandom
  • A "Houses of the Holy" logo on the front
  • Sponsorship logos from Pizza Hut, Hoagie Haven, Best Buy, Rita's Water Ice, Michele Lorie Cheesecakes, and EA Sports. And that doesn't meet the quota, you can add Starbucks, Halo Pub and Burger King. Oh, and AwfulBlogs too because there should be at least one shameless personal promotion.
  • A baseball cap fitted with a bicycle seat on top to simulate an aerodynamic helmet
If anyone wants to go riding with me in similar attire, let me know. It's apparent we're not safe unless we join a team.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Darren R. Sussman said...

A few years ago, I decided I was going to ride a bike to get some exercise. I don't have "riding" clothes...hell, I don't even have exercise clothes. So I went riding in a pair of jeans. That's what I would have done when I was a kid. But for some reason, it made me feel ridiculous now. How stupid is that?

7/05/2006 11:53 PM  

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