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Location: Hamilton Square, New Jersey, United States

Tax guy, host & producer of the Consumerism Commentary Podcast, former co-host of the Wall Street Journal E-Report

Friday, November 25, 2005

Shake shake shake. Shake shake shake. Shake your goose eggs.

In a welcome story yesterday, federal officials have acknowledged "unhealthy" levels of Canada geese in NJ and have announced plans to reduce the birds' numbers. This is good news for just about everyone in Mercer County who has to dodge these beasts and their droppings every time they go to the park.

What's funny about this, though, is one of the "plans" they have to accomplish this..."under the new measures, which take effect Dec. 17, private land owners will be allowed to destroy nests or shake geese eggs, which prevents them from hatching, without first getting a permit from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service."

C'mon. First of all, who even HAS an issue with geese in their backyard, let alone nesting there. Second of all, who the hell in their right mind would run up to a nest, vigorously shake the eggs, and then take off? Wouldn't the mother goose be angry? I mean, these sons of bitches are vicious enough when you dare to walk near their flock at the park. I can't imagine their demeanor when some nut comes sneaking around their nest.

And how would one accomplish that anyway? I imagine it would have to be a two or three party system, with one person being the shaker and the others being responsible for causing a distraction...perhaps drawing the mother goose away with bread or nursery rhymes. And it would also have to be a family affair since I can't imagine convincing my friends to embark on such an expidition. You'd really have to pull a good bait and switch on them to get that to happen...maybe get everyone together early to go to a ball game, and then sucker them in with the old "while you guys are here, do you mind..." line. Plus, you'd have to make sure you did the shaking yourself, because you run the risk of one of your friends wussing out at the last second.

This measure at least has some plausible points such as allowing hunts by airports and allowing park officials more leeway in destroying them. Unfortunately, I can't see the latter ever happening around here since the liberal Princeton crowd (yooooou heard me) would be in an uproar about killing animals. I, of course, feel just the opposite and welcome all attempts to brings these birds to an untimely demise. As sick as this sounds, one of the funniest goose stories I've ever read was when, a few years ago, someone was charged with animal cruelty when they smashed in a goose's head with nunchakus at Mercer County Park after the goose went after his young son. Of course, I think it was more the shock value...that someone was so pissed that he took a martial arts weapon to do the bird in...that had me laughing more than anyone else. The fact that this guy took nunchakus to the park probably indicates that he was looking for trouble in the first place so, in retrospect, the summons was warranted...but it was still funny.

Anyway, if we can get it by the protesting Princetonians, I recommend shutting the parks down for a few days and letting the hunters go wild. Hell, make it a local event at the park the following weekend...Mercer Goosefest 2005. All kinds of goose delicacies...goose burgers, goose gyros, kids with goose hats on, you name it.


Blogger Darren said...

It's not so much the killing of geese that I'd have a problem with as the idea of nutty hunters shooting guns in the middle of a heavily populated area. Seems like a pretty bad idea.

11/26/2005 1:03 AM  
Blogger Doobie said...

Close the parks down well in advance and there shouldn't be a problem. They'd be using birdshot too, not heavy artillery.

11/26/2005 6:53 AM  
Blogger Darren said...

Now I'm imaging weird Princeton guys with cannon out in the park shooting at geese. :)

11/27/2005 2:19 AM  
Blogger Doobie said...

"Fire in the hole, Chad!" -=FOOM=- "Aha ahahaha! Now that wasn't very sporting of us, was it? We nearly hit the crew team!"

11/27/2005 7:10 AM  
Anonymous Jason Fry said...

I hate Canada geese more than life itself, so understand my dilemma: One day during our 51-week sojourn in South Brunswick I was bombing down the back roads and came across a huge bunch of goslings wandering in the road, indulging in little goose fantasies about growing up to attack children and cover the entire eastern seaboard in crap. (Incidentally, I believe the proper animal-group term for a bunch of Canada geese is a "suck.") So there I am, face to beak with the enemy, only this time I've got a two-ton automobile and they don't even have the power of flight yet.

I wasn't quite ruthless enough to do what should have been done, and on some level have regretted it ever since.

12/02/2005 1:49 PM  
Blogger Doobie said...

Don't feel bad...I probably would have caved too. Goslings are just too damn cute to be pure evil just yet.

12/02/2005 2:00 PM  

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